Sunny Days

I woke up this morning silently cursing the sunlight that was peeping through my eye lids. I've been waiting for a day nice enough to go to the pool again and here I was thinking Go. Away. What was wrong with me? I glanced at the time. Not even 6:30. Considering Syd went to bed at 6pm last night, I'm not sure why I was surprised. I listened to her whining for Daddy as I pulled up the blanket and managed to mutter the word coffee before it ate my head.

A few minutes later, I rolled my growing belly out of bed and was happy to find a brewing pot on the counter. I guess he heard me. Syd took a break from her Mickey Mouse and pancakes long enough to smile and scream, "HIIIIII!" as I dragged my feet across the kitchen floor. Now THAT little ray of sunshine is sure to brighten my day. I smiled back at her, waving, and said good morning.

I decided to spend the morning carrying her around on my hip because it was comforting. Besides, she didn't seem to mind. What we did exactly is already a blur, but I know there were hugs, there were kisses, and there were lots and lots of giggles. But when I laid her down for her morning nap, I began feeling sad again.

Today was the day I was supposed to see my other baby. I was supposed to hear how perfect she's growing, and that all her organs are properly formed and functioning as they should be. I was supposed to hear that my low 2 pound weight gain is nothing to worry about and it will pick up now that I'm five months along. But I had to reschedule my appointment. Because my medicaid is still pending. I decided to call my doctor just to see what my options were next week if I still had not had an answer from Medicaid yet. They tell me they will not see me unless I pay the remaining balance of my prenatal care in full. I have not been there in five weeks. We've been allowed to pay in cash for the first two appointments, more than they were worth I'm sure. But we're all out. We have nothing else to give. Not that they'd accept it anyway. In the next sentence they tell me next week is the last week this scan will be accurate and it's very important I get it done. There's no way I can get in anywhere else this soon, one that will take someone without insurance, one with nothing to give. So I let out a good cry, decided to give up for the moment, enjoy my weekend, and worry about the next step after my medicaid meeting on Monday.

And then my sweetheart woke up.

We made lunch together, ate together, and then baked cupcakes together. Because cupcakes are delicious. And it must have been meant to be because there were exactly 3 eggs left.



And exactly 1/2 cup of vegetable oil left.



As I mixed that chocolaty goodness together, Sydney grew excited over the sound of the mixer.

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And then they were ready for the oven.



I didn't care about the cake mix that had spilled over the pan. I let it fall without wiping it off. Because sometimes, you just have to let it go. Nothing is perfect.



But it always comes out good.



Life is messy. But it is oh so yummy.





Thank you, Sydney, for teaching me so many things.

What Matters Most

Molars. I hate molars. They hurt my little girl. They make her whiny and uncomfortable, and confused. She doesn't know if she wants to eat, bite her fingers, be up my butt, or be left alone. She won't nap. I feel so bad for her.

BUT-

When she relaxes enough for a snuggle, she melts into the nook of my neck and we sigh together-with matching smiles on our faces. She looks up at me for just a moment and falls back against by chest, nuzzling in just a little deeper than before. And we just breathe.

Until all hell breaks loose again and she starts chasing around the cat. She plays peekaboo with me in between not knowing if she wants up or down. She demands to eat her goldfish and then smashes them into the carpet out of frustration. Her poor little gums swell up to where she hardly has to open her mouth for me to see.

Six o'clock came around tonight and she must have been so exhausted from teething that she didn't even want to eat dinner. Forget about bath time. So I gave her some Tylenol and carried her to her room, cradled in my arms like she was a newborn again. She silently stared up at me, body limp, Dolly barely hanging in her grasp. I softly sang to her as I changed her diaper and put her jammies on and she didn't even try to fight me. I was on round six of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star when I placed her in her crib, body still limp-she was finally relaxed. She smiled up at me as I finished the song, still stoking her hair. I blew her a kiss and told her I loved her, sweet dreams. Her sweet little lids closed and she was out for the night.

I love moments like these. Even when I've had a hard day, mentally and physically, all I have to do is hear one giggle, catch one smirk, or watch how peaceful she sleeps. And nothing else matters. These moments fill my eyes with tears. Happy tears.

Because I'm so lucky she chose me as her mommy.

Every Single Morning

Every single morning, Syd wakes up to throw her little guys, as Jason calls them, out of her crib. One by one they go, a three foot drop to their doom, where Syd then continues to babble at them. Two bears, a lamb-headed blanket, and *gasp* even Dolly, stare up to mock her before she's finally had enough and starts calling for Dad. "DAAAAD!" "DAAAADY!" "DAD!"

Every single morning, we both quietly listen to the babbles, hoping for just a few more minutes of slumber. But that never lasts long. So up Jason goes, throws her pancakes into the microwave, hit's the John, and enters her room as her night in shining armor. I hear Sydney's excited sequels as he returns her little guys to their rightful place inside the crib and then scoops her up-all 19 pounds of soggy, wet diaper. I hear her chatting away on the changing table as if telling him all the amazing dreams she's had that night, and maybe even about the mockery that went on those minutes before he came to her rescue.

And then they appear. "Good MORNING MOMMY!!!"

My smiling girl, in her daddy's arms, throws her arms out toward me and Jason brings her over for a quick hug and a kiss. And then they're gone. Into her jumper she goes while she shoves a stack of pancakes into her mouth, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, waiting for Mommy to get her sleepy butt out of bed so Daddy can get ready for work.

Every single morning I get to wake up to and with a smile. I feel my heart grow just a little more each day. I fall in love with her over and over and over again. And she loves me back, unconditionally.

How lucky am I?

My Toddler

My toddler is still not walking! But she's standing longer and longer unassisted. She walks beside me holding one hand. She has even taken a couple steps on her own. Let's go girl! You're getting too big for Mommy to be carrying around and Charley doesn't like it when you sit on her!

Sydney is getting more beautiful by the day. If that's even possible. Her adorable personality is really helping with that! I just love her to pieces. She now has her toys in her room and I watch her independently play through the video monitor. She is enjoying her new freedom. We went in the pool Friday for the first time this year and Sydney had a blast! She kept trying to stick her face in the water and would get mad anytime I stopped helping her swim.

My most favorite of her curiosities at the moment, is when she lifts up my shirt to point to my belly button-which she calls "baby". It is the sweetest thing and I don't care if she doesn't "get it". She is bonding with her sister and it melts my heart.

We have a weight check coming up this week and I'm thinking she's going to "pass" finally. Fingers crossed! Hopefully it will be the last time we see the doc before her 15 month appointment, which is soon. Oh my! My baby is a toddler! How did that happen?!

First Step!

Sydney took her first solo step today! She was standing at the glass door, staring outside, and turned to look at me. She started saying hi as she let go of the glass and just stood there for a minute. Before I could realize what was happening, she took a step to her chair and placed her hand on the arm as casual as could be. It was only one step, but it was perfect and smooth, and she didn't fall into the chair. I'm so proud! This is so exciting!!

Now hopefully she let's me have more than three hours of sleep tonight. Her bottom two molars are peeping through and Sydney is in a lot of pain. Between cutting teeth and her recent transition to one 2 hour afternoon nap, I am beyond exhausted. I told Jason to go back to sleep last night because he had work today, and I spent four hours trying to soothe her crying. Tonight he might not be so lucky if it happens again! YAAAY FOR MILESTONES!

A Beautiful Day

I was so excited for Syd to see her Easter basket that I woke up at 6am! This was the very same basket I sat Syd in last year for Easter pictures. When she finally decided to open her beautiful eyes, it was pancake time! I don't even think I let her swallow the last bite when I scooped her out of the jumper and sat her next to her goodies. Jason predicted her not caring, and crawling off to go play with a sock. But he was wrong! She pulled out each item, smiling upon inspection. She found books, crayons, finger puppets, Little People, fruit snacks and animal crackers, cookie cutters and mix, a pinwheel, a tiny stuffed rabbit enclosed in an egg, and a chocolate bunny for Charley. She was in little toddler heaven.

Next I went to enjoy some coffee in bed while Jason kept an eye on Syd. Then it was time for our egg hunt! I dressed her in the cutest spring dress, grabbed a basket and her daddy, and off we went. We walked to a nearby field with the most pitiful display of grass I've ever seen. But it was perfect. I sprinkled her goldfish-filled eggs around and let her explore. The weather was perfect too-warm on your face with a breeze in your hair.

The rest of the day was pretty laid back. Jason never made it to the store for eggs so we didn't end up making the Easter cookies, but at least we have a nice treat for next week now! It was a beautiful Easter, spent with my two favorites. As the night comes to an end, a miniature baby foot kicks my bladder to remind me for the 104,895,379th time today, how lucky I really am.









And just to reminisce over last year's Easter:

Easter Fun

We took Syd to the Springs Preserve today for some Easter festivities. There was a two hour line for tickets for the egg hunt, so we decided to skip it. We did, however, wait to see the Easter bunny! Sydney was very happy to be sitting on his lap and smiled for her pictures. We took her to the petting pen and then for a stroll through the desert gardens. Sydney took us by surprise quite a few times today when she stood all by herself for long amounts of time. She wanted to walk like a big girl too, holding our hand. It's so exciting!

I also picked up Sydney's Easter basket stuff tonight and I can't wait for her to wake up tomorrow!

That's all for tonight. This pregnant mommy is VERY exhausted. Enjoy some pictures from today!

Daydreamin'

My poor little darling is cutting two molars. I can't say that it's been totally miserable though. For one thing, Sydney has turned into the sweetest little snugglebug. Even if a tiny tear lingers in her eye. She wraps her rolly-polly arms around my shoulders, and leans in with an open mouth as a dainty awwwww escapes with her breath. Dolly can't light a candle next to my comfort skills!

I attempted to put Sydney down for a nap today and it just wasn't happening. This is an extremely rare occurrence that only happens during times of discomfort. Of course I came to her rescue. I sat in the rocker, squeezing the last few sniffles out of her until her breathing returned to normal. I flipped her around and nestled her cute little heiny into the nook of my arm as I pulled out Where The Wild Things Are. She quietly listened to the tale of Max and his bad behavior, pointing out the monsters and helping turn the pages. About half way though the story, itty bitty Charley gave the most gentle kick inside my belly. I had a flash forward moment, a quick daydream about reading to my two girls, one in each arm. I paused the story to look down at Syd, and she just smiled at me.

I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she can sense what is coming. I wonder if she will be jealous or if she will welcome her sister with open arms and slobbery kisses. I wonder if she'll want to help soothe her sisters cries. I wonder if she'll willingly share her toys. I wonder if she'll smack her upside the head.

I can't wait to read to my two daughters. I can't wait for the tea parties and to play in the rain puddles. I can't wait to see them share a secret or gang up on me. I want nothing for them but to be the best of friends. To forever have a buddy. I always wanted a sister. I hope it's as special as I imagined for Sydney and Charley.